Parting Ways With Chaos
Location: Rockport, Texas
Dress: From local boutique in Rockport, TX (similar here) / Earrings: Linny and Co. / Shoes: Vintage Chloe (similar here)
I just lit a beautiful Himalayan salt candle in a tiny, pale pink glass votive and made a small latte in my antique jade-green Franciscan ceramic teacup. As I prepare for the fourth trip in just a few weeks, I am welcomed by the quiet hum of the air conditioner in my apartment. Just one year ago, I was returning home from a trip to Santa Fe, where I had a miscarriage. It feels like a lifetime ago. So much happened in this past year that an entire volume of books could be written. However, I wrote just one and am beginning work on my second book. Missed and Restored was written as I came out of the miscarriage and into the healing power of the Holy Spirit. As I wrote the story of what I was going through, I felt a huge pause right before I was about to release it. Life at the time was chaotic. I was still struggling with a multitude of mental health issues, a fried nervous system, conflict in my home, and a deep longing to be closer to the Lord. I remember going to a prophetic counseling session in Florida with Dr. Kathy Tolleson and telling her that I would like to have peace like Jesus when he was sleeping in the boat during the storm. Little did I know that God would be preparing a path for me to experience that peace.
Peace is part of the Fruit of the Spirit and in Greek is the word eirene. It’s not just having relational harmony, but an inner alignment and calmness. I have met many people who claim they are calm, but inside they have a storm raging. They may not raise their voice, but it is impossible to live with them in a peaceful state. You may also know people like this. From my observations, it is a combination of insecurity and lack of humility. When that combination exists, there’s nothing you can do right in their eyes. What you can do is control yourself. If you find yourself at constant war with someone, whether that be at work or at home, it’s likely time to take some much-needed space. That’s what I needed. I needed time for my body to rest and for inner alignment to be produced again.
It was scary, but I knew that Jesus was with me. I took the step away from chaos - a chaotic environment, chaotic work, being pulled in too many directions, and everything mismatching to a place of quiet. At the beginning, it was really hard. I would have these waves of anxiety and uncertainty. How was I going to make ends meet? How was I going to provide for the kids? What was going to happen in my marriage? If you have ever been in a similar situation, especially as a mom of a young child, you probably experienced the same thoughts and feelings. Instead of rushing out into the world, I chose differently. I chose scripture. Hours of it. I chose to go through everything in the house and remove things that were triggering. I chose to organize. I chose to stretch. I chose flowers for my home. I chose to block out the noise of the world. I chose to draw closer and closer to the Lord.
Giving that kind of grace and space to myself was exactly what I needed to heal my heart, my mind, and my nervous system. I lit candles each day. I bought flowers weekly to remind myself of God’s beauty and how he made flowers for me to love. I treated myself the way I would a good friend who was going through a tough time. I talked to myself with soothing and compassionate words. It took a few months and a lot of Jesus, but finally my anxiety lifted and I felt better. I still have thoughts about the uncertainty of the future, but the Lord has shown up 100% of the time, and I continue to remind myself He knows exactly what I need. Parting ways with chaos was more than just giving up a marriage or moving; it was a full alignment. Nothing was allowed into my new apartment that gave me bad vibes. I made everything match, because that's soothing. I told myself, You’re 40 years old… You can level up at this point. It wasn’t frivolous; it was peace. Inner and outer alignment. It was nervous system regulation.
As I continued the breakup with chaos, it required me to also part ways with people who lived a double life. People who professed Christianity, but still got drunk. People who were happy to preach but struggled to understand God’s word. I gave them grace and forgave them, but chose to no longer yoke myself with them. I chose to slow it down and get some sleep. I chose to take breaks and clean up my apartment before leaving, so I came home to a calm environment. I chose to get assistance for things I was behind on. Each time I chose these things, my dopamine levels in my brain thanked me. Life was not any easier as I moved through the divorce, but I did find peace. If you are struggling with peace right now, I totally understand. Try the Authentically Made study. It will help you find alignment and confirm your identity in Christ, which is really the center of being at peace. It will also help with boundaries and fulfilling your purpose. When you walk in alignment with the Lord, you carry out your mission, then peace is the fruit of abiding in him.
