Love is Not a Feeling, It is Behavoir
After coming out of a divorce and hearing God’s voice that I am not meant for forever singlehood, I began exploring what the Lord says about love. We all have heard the scriptures in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 “Love is patient, love is kind.” In fact, it’s the opening of many wedding ceremonies. Paul writes a poetic message to the Church of Corinth, teaching them how to recognize love in a very practical way. However, many of us get caught up in the beginning of a relationship or even during the courting/dating period with our feelings. That feeling, over time, will change. So how do you know what love is? Or how to recognize what love isn’t? Love is not a set of phrases or words. It’s not control or coercion. It’s a set of mutually respectful behaviors that endure over the course of time. Will people make mistakes? Absolutely, but love is a posture that remains strong when moments are difficult. Many of us may have grown up in homes without the kind of love Paul talks about. Some of us saw codependency and conflict, others saw neglect and avoidance. About half of the population has formed a fearful avoidant or avoidant attachment which results in unhealthy communication and conflict patterns when they get into a relationship. The good news is that this can be healed. If love is not a feeling, but a set of behaviors, then anyone is capable of changing behavior. Over time, their feelings will catch up.
I recently came across a beautiful post where an 80-year-old man was asked how he was able to love the same woman for forty years. He said, “I didn’t.” He shared in the post that loving her over a lifetime required changing with her. When she was thirty, she needed something different than 40, 50 and 60. If he wanted to keep her, he needed to adjust how to love her, or someone else would find a way to give her what she needed. I believe that is why so many women right now are waking up and choosing to end relationships and marriages. They stop feeling seen, chosen, and respected with autonomy. Men are then left wondering… what went wrong? Every time a woman has a baby, her DNA physically changes. She is not who she was before the baby. If a husband doesn’t try to continue to learn, experience his own internal growth, and create protection and safety, the relationship will dissolve. If he spends more time wondering why she changed, instead of growing with her… he will no longer appreciate who she has become. So, how do we love better as humans? Well, here’s the blueprint for love:
Love is agape - unconditional. That does not mean tolerating abuse. It also does not mean you do not have boundaries. But agape love is beyond a feeling. It’s the way God loves us or the way a parent loves a child. It is able to see past shortcomings and make room for growth. Agape love is also seeking others’ good and is self-giving. It will require generosity and forbearance over and over.
Love is patient, which translates to makrothymes in Koine Greek. The same word is used in Galatians 5:19 for the Fruit of the Spirit. It’s also the same concept found in the book of James, which describes being slow to anger. It’s long suffering and being able to endure with difficult people. Patience in this context requires not getting your feathers ruffled over the little things. Love is also kind. In this context, Paul is describing that it shows a practical kindness and acts benevolently. It’s in the way words are spoken. Being gentle with one another. Showing your partner kindness, the way you would if you were opening a door for a stranger. I’ve noticed that when a man rushes to open a door for strangers, but not his wife, that says everything about the kindness he shows her. Same with a woman. If she is friendly with someone helping her out in public but sarcastic to her husband - not kindness.
Love does not envy - it’s not jealous, resentful, or competitive. If you are feeling diminished by your partner’s success instead of celebrating it - that’s a key sign of counterfeit love, not actual love. It means the “feeling” has fled, and you are in a place of insecurity. Love and fear are opposites. I’ve noticed that when insecurity arises, there’s a deeper issue. Many times, couples are in different places in their careers. When one spouse is taking off, the other one may be in transition between jobs or industries. It can feel like failure, but love will allow the spouse in transition to take time to go inward and re-align. Maybe God is preparing a path of support for the other spouse. Or a path of being able to use your resources and skills to elevate as a couple. Going to God during times of insecurity is key.
Love does not boast. It does not parade itself or brag. It also doesn’t need to prove its worth or make itself the center of attention. This was something I dealt with in the past. My ex struggled heavily with how much I shone as I made my way through spaces. If you know me on a personal level, I rarely beg for attention. Although I am usually slightly overdressed, I am rarely the loudest one in the room. I spend a ton of time by myself, and when I go to events, I’m happy to leave early. However, one quality I have had my whole life is drawing people in. I love to have a deeper conversation and spend time getting to know them. I’ll share something vulnerable and transparent, which opens them up to do so as well. I’ve also lived all over the world, and that’s created a wide variety of influences and cultures in my life. I try to be kind to anyone I meet, even if it’s difficult. It became a sore spot in my marriage. The more I shone, the more my ex felt like he needed to brag about himself and then put me down. There was name-calling and belittling. After a lot of therapy, my counselor and I realized that this was because he felt insecure. Instead of working on himself, it was easy to transfer the feelings to me.
I believe that two people can both shine in a relationship, but shining isn’t something you can boast about. It happens when you align with Jesus. When you slow down and self-actualize instead of doing whatever is popular. It’s an energetic thing, and your aura will literally shift when your internal state does. Love is also not proud. The Greek phrase here talks about “not being puffed up.” That means not being inflated with self-importance. Being teachable and humble. Having an awareness that everyone has value and allowing room for others to have a seat at the table.
The passage goes on to say it does not dishonor others. So behaving disgracefully or indecently is key to love. I believe this is an area that shows up in intimacy. Dishonoring another person includes how you view sex. If you use it for self-gratification and stress relief… You are not honoring someone else. You are using them. If you are choosing to fantasize your way through the bedroom instead of treating them like they are cherished, then you are bringing them dishonor. Porn, strippers, and prostitution are some of the most dishonoring things we have on Earth. It reduces people to transactional orgasms and objects. If this exists in an area for a person, they are not acting in love. They are choosing flesh over honor. If they loved their spouse, they would get help to act differently. They would work on renewing their mind and maybe even in a 12-step program. I believe such behavior is a sign that they do not love other people and struggle with the capacity for love. It doesn’t mean they can’t get help and change. But it does mean they are in a place of infidelity, and the marriage has grounds for divorce.
Love is not self-seeking. It doesn’t insist on its own way or interests. Instead, it begins to ask, “What serves us instead of what serves me?” It’s not easily angered or provoked. It doesn’t look for reasons to be offended. It doesn’t name-call when stirred or act with harsh yelling. It keeps no record of wrongdoings or a ledger of offenses. Instead, love celebrates truth. Love rejoices in what is true, good, and real. It aligns with honesty and life-giving circumstances. It’s not looking for another fight or exciting thing. Instead, it wants transparency and alignment with Jesus.
Love always protects by covering and sheltering. In Song of Songs, the man is described as covering and shading for the woman. This creates safety for a woman to flourish. If a man builds a protective (not controlling) invisible field around his family, they will elevate together. This includes the way they interact with people of the opposite sex. What roles or jobs do they take? How something will affect the emotional health of the family. The husband lays his life down to protect his family.
Love always trusts. It gives the benefit of the doubt and remains faithful. Whenever wisdom allows, it chooses faith over suspicion. I do want to point out that many times the Lord will give someone in the relationship wisdom and a gut feeling that things aren’t right. I remember my nervous system picking up on things I wasn’t ready to confront in my ex. If a spouse is demanding trust, oftentimes they are not in place of being trustworthy. That’s a red flag. Trust is something that doesn’t need to be demanded. If your gut says something is off…it probably is. For the rest of the time, trust that the other person is acting in good faith.
Love always hopes and looks toward the future with good expectations. It believes that growth and redemption are possible. It allows God to sanctify the other person while also sanctifying you. Love always perseveres by enduring steadfastly under pressure. It never fails, collapses, or comes to an end. Throughout this scripture, Paul uses “panta” when describing “Love always…” Panta means the completeness of every part. It’s a description of fullness. Love is not empty or anxious… love is being whole no matter what. Love is alignment with God and one another. It’s shared direction, but kept agency. It’s encouraging and flourishing. Above all, love is moving towards goodness, integrity, and hope together. It is not codependency, control or a set of rules, but a framework of how God loves us.
If this post resonated with you, I recommend reading my book Missed and Restored. It talks about many of these behaviors. It’s a heartfelt story of how miscarriage changed not only who I was, but also revealed the difference between love and counterfeit love. I also have it available on Kindle!
