Notes on Returning No. 4
The past decade and a half, I experienced panic attacks that became debilitating at times. I remember when they first started, I was about 28. I would get in my car and drive to work, but as soon as I was alone with my thoughts, my heart would start racing and pounding so loud I could hear it in my ears. I would have to pull over on my way to work for the morning sales meeting because I was out of breath and dizzy. I would feel like I was going to faint as I drove 70 miles an hour on the highway in Houston, TX. The panic attacks continued and escalated for nearly a decade. Over and over again, I would feel waves of panic attacks daily. Sometimes 30 or 40 of them. Finally, I knew I needed to make a lifestyle change.
At 33, I completely gave up drinking alcohol. This helped immensely, but it didn’s stop the feeling of anxiety. After a few years would come leaving an industry of IT sales and leadership to work from home and for myself. As I moved through a new marriage and postpartum, the panic attacks increased again. Most of my pregnancy with my son Max included raised cortisol levels, insomnia nightly, and post-partum anxiety and depression. It was grueling. The more anxiety that came, the more defeated I felt. I couldn’t shake it and sought additional counseling. We finally got to the bottom of it. I had lost agency in my life. I knew what my purpose was, but it was not aligned with my relationship. The conflict was so high that I couldn’t get my nervous system out of fight or flight. When a person lives in that state for too long, eventually, suicide ideation follows. Which is exactly what happened. I struggled with wanting to live after the conflict.
That’s when another drastic, but necessary thing happened. I made the choice that I needed to separate and get my body into a healthy place. I placed boundaries, worked on myself, and finally became calm again. I began sleeping through the night without medication and started to feel alignment. My rock was the Lord through the entire experience. I had no other choice but to lean on his will. I refused to go back to the places and things in my life that brought this state. Instead, I prayed, fasted, and focused on his will. Whatever that would look like, I was willing to follow. Then, something happened. The anxiety completely disappeared. Days went by, and it did not return. Not even during my cycle. When I would start to have mental loops, I surrendered and gave it to the Lord. I realized in this journey that I am NOT the anxiety that once had a stronghold. It’s not my identity. It’s not the design God had for my life. It’s definitely not love.
For the woman reading this note today, you are not your anxiety. You are a work of art by the Lord’s design. You do not have to carry what is not yours to carry. As you draw nearer and nearer to him, you will also find healing in the place of mental loops. You may have to do similar things, like give up alcohol, change careers, and let go of toxic cycles, to get there. Whatever it is, you will know. The Lord will lead you if you come to him in a quiet place. Give him your heart to heal. That’s why Authentically Made was written. It’s a place for you to come back to the woman God designed you to be. Enrolling in it will give you tools and a structure to approach the Lord and discover his calling on your life. Take one step at a time and know that you are a work of art.
