Between Us, Dear: You Don’t Have to Argue

Hi Friend,

It’s been a few minutes since our last correspondence and I’m here to share hope with you. I am a person who would rather be sewing that sitting in a shaming match. I’d rather be writing instead of name calling. I’d rather be planning outfits or going to coffee alone over arguing. However, I found myself trapped in relationship that would turn into a marriage were conflict increased the longer we were together. It was unproductive arguing. That my friend, is just no way to live. Over time it wore on my sleep, my cortisol raised, I struggled to lose the last few pounds after having a baby, both my daughter and I developed stomach issues and overall, I became a shell of a person.

Eventually, all of that conflict led me to wondering if I should even exist at all. Then, one day I read a simple scripture that put everything into perspective again. Luke 6:45 “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart… For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” That’s when I realized I was not married to a good man. I was trapped in a coercive controlling relationship and the Lord never intended that to be in my life. I prayed every day for almost three years when there I was sitting in the bathroom and Jesus said as he put his arm around me, “I’ve seen your tears and I’ve heard your cries.” Two days later we separated and six months later a divorce was finalized.

In Proverbs 10:12, “Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs.” I reflected on what God says love actually is… It’s not a feeling. It’s an action and based on the relationship I was in, I was not experiencing love from my spouse, but hatred. Even Judas kissed Jesus before the betrayal. After separating, I realized just how much time I was spending trying to prove our marriage had love instead of just giving myself that love. So now, I do. I treat myself in a much better way. I have an environment and relationships that can maturely and kindly deal with conflict. I have a home that doesn’t have someone nagging or controlling me. On a Saturday night, I found myself adding tile to my fireplace and painting a wall with stripes.

Although God hates divorce, I do believe he hates a marriage that has hatred, not love as the center. If you are struggling right now with hearing God’s direction in your life, I recommend checking out Authentically Made. It’s a short study on developing your unique identity in Christ, developing healthy boundaries and walking forward with forgiveness and grace.