When You Feel Out of Alignment Try This...
The past six months of my life have been emotionally challenging. Postpartum combined with several joyful life changes left me feeling like I had new roles to step into and the pressure was high. Right before my husband and I had our baby we made the decision to start a new business. From the outside it looked like I had it together, but the next few months would unveil a completely different side of me that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. I chose to have a natural birth (you can read all about that here) which came with a multitude of positivities and I cannot recommend it more for those of you trying to decide if it’s a safe course for you and your baby. Right after giving birth Marshall and I headed to a beautiful historic courthouse to tie the knot after going back and forth on whether we wanted a big wedding or not.
All three of these life events happened in the span of about six weeks. It was beautiful and I am so grateful for all of it, however, I had no idea what an aftershock I would experience. For anyone who has been through PTSD or severe anxiety, you know that even good events can rock the boat. I felt a huge ripple effect on my hormones. Each day that passed felt like I was getting injections of cortisol and adrenaline. My mind would race and my body felt constantly like it was on a roller coaster. I also became extremely hypervigilant. Postpartum is a tough period for many and for me, it felt like I couldn’t get the roller coaster to slow down.
I was not my best self. I felt rage, deep sadness, and extreme fear. I struggled to figure out what was reality and what was truth. Throughout this period Marshall stood really strong and helped me through it but it was so tough on both of us. Rage is not a pretty emotion. Ugly crying can send a person into a spiral and fear felt paralyzing. I felt completely out of alignment.
I finally made a decision to surrender. I can’t explain exactly why or how it happened but I felt like I had no more logical thoughts left and I turned to God. I literally cried out, “I will do anything, please take this despair away. Show me what to do.” God said, “Lean in.” Lean into your marriage, Lean into your business, Lean into being a new mom, Lean into not having all the answers, Lean into getting help, and lean most of all into me. I made a change in that moment. I decided to wake up and shift focusing on everything outside of me and begin chipping away at my problems one by one.
I filled this past week with audio books to help me control what I can control which is my own behavior, thoughts, and words. I attended a few support groups and shared my story. I reached out to a friend for a few walks and we talked about a book we’ve been reading that she recommended. I took Max to the park and let him swing for the first time. I shared my thoughts with Marshall and also shared how he could help instead of expecting or wanting him to read my mind. I exercised each day and began red light therapy on my forehead to help with anxiety and depression (another amazing recommendation from my husband). When intrusive thoughts emerged, I shifted the focus. I rested more. I accepted help when it was offered. I stopped trying to be so strong and just accepted that I need help and admitted gratitude for the help.
And you know what? I feel like a much more aligned human.
The truth is, I don’t know better. I believe we are all works in progress and can be stronger when we lean on one another. I made a pact with myself that I would take care of my mind better and treat my body with the same care that I give my loved ones.
If you are struggling I recommend taking accountability for what you are responsible for and seeking help. You can do this and when you get to the other side there are so many incredible blessings waiting for you.
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